Be the person today that you want your children to be forever.
This is something that my wife and I try to remind each other of on a daily basis.
Sounds simple, I know. We have heard it all before. But we are talking about something that is fundamentally difficult: personal change. As a person who works in consulting and coaching I see this all the time. We make lots of declarations to ourselves about what we want to change. Leaders do it with regards to their organizations:
Thanking my team more…
Spending more time growing business…
Trying to be more approachable…
In our personal lives there are many changes and aspirations that we have for changing our lives:
Losing weight…
Not gambling…
Being better with money…
As parents it takes on another meaning and level of challenge with our children. They are little sponges and mimics. The sponge aspect of their personality absorbs everything we put out there–even the stuff that we are unaware of and/or do not want them to absorb. Then the mimicking part of their personalities recreates it–generally with absolute perfection–when we least expect it. Just like all people, we are far more likely to do what we see, not what we hear or what we are told.
As parents we might yell: “be nice!” or “be good!”
“Say please!”
We instruct our children to have good manners and to be polite, yet when they have done something to make us angry, the behavior we show them is anything but. I have caught myself in this a few times, saying things like:
“Put that down!” Or, “Get off of there!”
It takes continuous effort and focus to get better at these things. I must make a conscious effort to keep my tone calm and level while remembering to say please before making my request. I can tell my kids to be polite 30 times a day for the next 10 years, but if I do not actually treat them with the same dignity, it’s just not gonna happen. Dignity, respect and an even tone are even harder when I am upset or if they are doing something potentially dangerous, but that is also when it is most important.
It starts now, and is extremely difficult. Our children are master mimmicks. They do it so well that we don’t even notice it most of the time.
In my bedtime ritual with my son when he was an infant I sat down with him to read a book and give him some milk. Getting settled into the high-backed nursing chair in his bedroom with all of the necessary elements was always a test of dexterity and balance. In one arm I held him, his two blankets, and favorite stuffed animal. In the other arm I held the two books and the milk–then it was time to commence sitting down in a chair without the use of my hands. By the time I got settled in I was ready for my own nap.
One night, just as we sat down, my son put his little hand on my forearm in a very comforting manner and said: “All right.” Only it was more exasperated, as if speaking through a sigh: “Aaall riiight.”
I laughed the first time while thinking to myself: “Gee I wonder where he learned that? So funny.”
Then he started doing it not just at night, but often at other times we were sitting down together. After about the 20th time, one night we were sitting down to our nightly ritual of milk and a story. After picking him up, then picking up the 3 books we needed, while simultaneously grabbing a burp cloth, a pillow, and his blankie, I finally crashed down into the nursing chair in his room with a big sigh saying out loud: “Aaaall riiiight.”
WTF?! Did I actually just say that out loud?!
After replaying the scenario with my wife later, she confirmed: “Oh yeah, you do that all the time.” I had no idea whatsoever. Hilarious. And a little bit scary…
The lens that our children give us into ourselves is startlingly piercing and accurate. There is no better insight into who we are as people than the characteristics and behaviors that our children learn from us.
As a parent it is not enough to just be the same person that you have always been. We should aspire to be better now than we ever have been before. Because by doing so we aspire to show our children a life better and more amazing than our own.