“The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
-John Wooden
Of course it takes nine months to create a baby. It also takes at least nine months to prepare yourself to be a decent parent.
And it takes at least nine months for us dudes to wrap our brains around the idea that we are going become a father and that, indeed, there is actually a human being growing in that woman’s belly.
At least it did for me.
I see the nine months not only being time for the physical and anatomical changes to occur, but it also takes us that long as guys to really wrap our heads around it.
I tried, in vain, to explain this to my wife:
Yes, we talked about having kids in advance.
Yes, we planned on this.
And, yes, when you told me you were pregnant it still shocked the hell out of me. My knees got weak and I could not believe that little plastic thing actually said “pregnant” on it.
Call me thick.
Call me crazy.
It is the absolute truth.
The reality is that bringing a life into the world is such a gigantic responsibility that it takes time to set in. And, more importantly, the nine months needed for physically making the baby is good mentally for the parents too. As guys we literally have no idea what it’s like to have a baby or be pregnant so we need the lead-time. So here’s my unsolicited take on how to handle this as a guy: do whatever you can to love and support the mother of your unborn child.
Here are some hard lessons I have learned over the years:
Never make a joke about her hormones.
Never complain if, especially later in her pregnancy, she asks you to rub her heels because they ache like hell and her feet are swollen like footballs.
Never give her a hard time about some emotion swings that will occur.
There are thousands of amazing and dynamic changes happening in her body for the sake of the baby that you two made–together. Those “crazy” hormones she is producing? They are actually helping her body adapt to the life that is growing in her belly. Hormones and growth that are helping that baby to be born with the amazing unlearned ability to suck and breathe. Her heart and lungs are working double-time, literally pumping blood for two people.
Often guys feel like it is an assault on their manhood to help in this way.
We feel like we are surrendering and giving up some portion of our masculinity. We are not. The reality is that we have the next nine months to practice being fathers as that tiny baby grows. We have nine months to work on our patience and parental collaboration–which we will need more than ever when baby arrives. When we are done helping our wives, we can turn on SportsCenter, smoke a cigar, drink a beer, or do whatever we need to relax and feel more manly. Up until that point, let’s collectively show some kindness and patience during this critical time.
Now, I also feel the need to state that this is not a open invitation for “Preg-Zilla” to descend into millions of homes across the country. Just like it’s not cool when her younger sister “Bride-Zilla” shows her ugly face. There are some women that feel as though big events like this give them the right to act completely insane and simultaneously trample those that love them the most. Not cool…
So, to all the pregnant women in the world: If you are exhausted, upset, hot, and/or have huge swollen feet, that’s cool, we get it. All I ask is that you remain moderately respectful and use words like “please” before making a request . I don’t think it’s too much to ask. We are, after all, on the same team.
And, when I need a few minutes to sit by myself, just let me do it. I’m not trying to ditch you or send some kind of passive-aggressive subliminal message that I am sick of you. It’s just that I am trying to wrap my brain around this incredible idea and I need time to sit quietly while drinking a beer.
I understand that inside your body some of the most amazing miracles we will ever witness in our lifetime are currently happening. These millions of tiny miracles should be met with celebration and love, not impatience and confrontation. You are going through a lot, physically and emotionally. More than we, as guys, can possibly relate to, even if we try our hardest.
So ladies, please, all I ask is for some general manners.
And guys, please, let’s all be nice for God’s sake.