I think it is safe to say that most of us, by a certain point in our lives, have seen more than our share of Best Man and wedding toasts. Many of which, frankly, suck. This isn’t because people are bad or have bad intentions. This IS the case because the #1 fear listed in many polls around the country is a fear of public speaking. Some people even list it over death.
Ironically, this happens in spite of the fact that the general concept behind the toast is fantastic. The groom picks a man that is closer to him than anyone else on the planet and names him the Best Man. The Best Man is then asked to kickoff the wedding reception by sharing some warm recollections about the groom in front of other people that love him and his wife.
Why are they very often a complete train wreck?
Well, that’s because it turns into something different… We have guys getting up in front of a large crowd of people they don’t really know, wearing a tux that they don’t usually wear, after getting half wasted at the cocktail reception, and trying to piece together a reflection about a lifelong relationship, that they did not rehearse, in a short time period, on the most important day of someone else’s life.
That about cover it?
It’s a recipe for disaster.
And, most guys aren’t willing to admit that they are not the most experienced public speaker, and even less willing to admit to themselves that they are actually terrified by the prospect of the toast. If you are nervous, that’s ok, the crowd will most likely think it is endearing. Just be yourself, relax, prepare ahead of time, and go in with a strategy to hit one out of the park.
So, what can you do to prepare and deliver an awesome toast? I have some specifics below, but first, here are a few general rules of thumb for what the Best Man Toast is NOT, that will help you frame your big moment correctly from the get go…
A Quick Look at What the Best Man Toast is NOT:
- A Speech:I hear so many guys say, “Oh I’m preparing my Best Man speech” or “just jotting down some thoughts for my big moment.” IS. A. TOAST. Which means short, sweet, and two the point… Save your “speech” for when you are given a lifetime achievement award or an Oscar. At the wedding reception, you will have the audience’s loving and adoring attention for five minutes at the absolute most… Once you start rambling, everyone is gonna tune you out and be pissed at you for keeping them from the open bar.
- Comedy Hour:Stand up comics spend years and years rehearsing jokes—not only the lines, but how to deliver them, and how to lead into the joke in a manner that will actually make the audience laugh. If you are not a stand up comic, or have not practiced this craft, do not try to be one on the most important day of somebody else’s life. Your jokes will inevitably: (A) Not be funny (B) Be funny only to you and the 3 dudes in the room that were actually there (C) Make you look like a jackass (D) Embarrass the Groom and/or (E) All of the Above
- About YOU, In Any Way:this is NOT your “big moment” or “chance to shine” or a forum to tell everyone about “that time in Vegas at Rick’s Cabaret.” Nor is it a time to wax poetically or Emcee like you’re Ryan Seacrest at “Rockin New Year’s Eve.” This day IS about: (A) the Bride, (B) the Groom, and (C) their new life together. Focus on that, smile, and sit the hell down.
Now that I’ve covered what it is not, let’s focus on some general ground rules and things you can do to actually deliver a kick ass toast.
General Thoughts and Ground Rules:
- It is a Forgiving Audience:at a wedding reception, people WANT you to sound good and do a fantastic job. For the most part, they all have some close relationship with the couple and care for them, deeply. Not to mention they all, most likely, have a good buzz going from the cocktail reception.
- Focus on Love:I know, guys roll their eyes on this one… But really, that’s what the day is about. Focus on what you really like about the Groom, why he’s such a great guy, and why you are excited for his marriage.
- Write it Down:this is important, especially if you’re someone that does not speak in front of crowds for a living. And, no, using the waitress’s pen to write it down on a cocktail napkin while getting wasted at the aforementioned cocktail hour does not count. A note card or two with the six steps below and a few bullets is more than enough. Yes, it is ok to pause briefly to double-check your notes during the toast, but try to go from memory if possible.
- Practice, Dumbass!: you wouldn’t go out, cold turkey, to give a presentation at work or a job interview would you? Well, this is probably more important… Practice it in front of a mirror a few times before the big day. Heck, maybe ask a close friend that will not be there to sit in front of you and provide feedback to you. Or, if that fails, practice it during happy hour at a crowded bar, you might get a few drinks out of the deal.
- Two Drink, Maximum:you probably saw this one coming… Contrary to popular “Dude Logic,” no, you actually do not get better at public speaking the more you drink. Yes, one or two drinks will calm your nerves, but multiple drinks will leave you sounding like Luke Wilson in “Old School.” Kind of like the similar “Dude Logic” that says: “I drive better when I have a 5 or 6 beers.” That dude crashes his car into a telephone pole, so listening to his advice will send your Best Man Toast on a crash course too. The open bar will last all night, so wait until your duty is finished, and slam a celebratory shot after you have given a noteworthy toast.
6 Steps to a Successful Toast (Remember: About 5 Minutes Long)
- Introduce Yourself and Greet the Audience:(Briefly!) Say your name, say ‘good evening,’ who you are, how long you’ve known the Groom, and why you’re so humbled by this honor. Remember, not everyone in the room actually knows who you are or why they should listen to you.
- Say Thank You:Thank the Groom’s and Bride’s parents for hosting the amazing event, and for giving you the opportunity to be there. Remember, weddings are not cheap and this event is also to honor the family that helped make the happy couple who they are today—show some class and thank them, sincerely (even if you still hate them for telling your parents about that party in high school).
- Address the Groom:pick 3 reasons why he is an amazing guy and why you’re thankful to be his friend/brother/cousin, etc… THIS is where you can tell some meaningful story that perhaps no one in the room has heard before.
- Address the Bride:talk about how she is beautiful, why she is so perfect for the Groom, and how he is a changed man for having met her—and try to mean it.
- Address them As a Couple:speak to why they are perfect for one another and why their union is a match made in heaven—and try to mean this too.
- Toast Them!: this is best done by picking out a short quote—I tend to like Irish Blessings a lot. Some scripting that makes a good transition from steps 1—5 to the final step is: “And with that, I’d like to provide a blessing from ____ to wish you a wonderful life.” Once you’ve finished the quote you can say “Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses with me to toast ____ (Bride) and ___ (Groom).
(Don’t forget to walk over and hug the happy couple!)
One final thought on comedy and telling jokes… I am not completely opposed to the idea–in fact making the audience laugh is a great way to break the ice. What I am generally against are guys that prepare for their toast, in advance, under the preconception that they are going to be Chris Rock at the Apollo. My brother was my best man and said several things during my toast that were absolutely hilarious, and tasteful. How did he do it? Ask him now and he will tell you that he has no idea, he simply said them in the moment. Exactly… Now my brother is also the most genuinely funny person I know, so he can get away with it. If you follow the six steps above, you will most likely, without thinking about it, say a few things during the toast that will make the audience laugh. Just don’t go up there with laughter as your #1 goal, it is not a good strategy and will most likely miss the mark.
On Maid of Honor Toasts…
IMPORTANT NOTE: the above advice can be followed, verbatim, for Maid of Honor toasts by simply swapping the Groom and Bride references. The Maid of Honor Toast also has 2 additions to the “What It’s NOT” section.
Additionally, the Maid of Honor Toast is NOT:
- A Counseling Session:this should not involve therapeutic renderings, nor should it involve telling everyone about an extremely difficult time in your life when the Bride helped you out while sobbing uncontrollably and bumbling through your toast. That’s touching–really, it is… But here is a friendly reminder: this is a HAPPY OCCASION. Let’s keep it that way. Getting choked up or crying a bit is actually cute and endearing–even if you have to pause for a few seconds to recover. Falling into what Oprah calls the “ugly cry” is not cool. Put your appreciative thoughts for her support into a letter that you provide with her gift. The people sitting at the wedding do not feel like watching all of this emotion, they are here to party.
- A Group Effort: for some reason, women tend to want to include everyone. “Well I’m the Maid of Honor, but we all love Madison, so we should all be involved in the toast.” Um, no… You were selected for the honor, get up there and deliver the toast. We do not need group songs, poems, interpretive dance involving sorority sisters or any other kind of shenanigans involving other wedding guests. Just give the damn toast for God’s sake. Are you a bride considering a “Panel of Maids of Honor?” Stop it, please-for everyone’s sake. Pick one and move on. If they are pissed at you for not picking them on your own wedding day that should tell you something about the type of friend they are. Keep it simple and save the rest of us the agony of having to sit through this impending disaster.
I think the adherence to the above do’s and don’ts will help make for a much happier wedding experience for all of us.