I have no idea who came up with the phrase: the terrible twos. I do not know if it was just a marketing ploy or perhaps some old wives tale that caught steam and became a somewhat standard label to place on our children. Regardless of how it came into being I do not support its use after becoming a parent.
If we think of our children as terrible, what will they think of themselves?
Even more importantly, if we actually refer to our children as terrible, and speak about it, what dynamic could that potentially create?
One that I would prefer to not explore and frankly just do not understand. I have heard this phrase used a lot. When I bring up the fact that my son was two years old when my daughter was born, this is a reaction that I get from some other parents: “Oh, yeah, watch out for those temper tantrums. In addition to having to ‘share’ you with his sibling, he is in the terrible twos.”
The expectations and preexisting opinions we have about our children can actually lead to them behaving in a way that reinforces the assumptions we place upon them in the first place. If I internally think of my child as “terrible” or as a “bad sleeper” my behavior towards them will most likely reflect this, even though I may not want it to. This in turn leads to the child reflecting this assumption in what they do. They essentially live up to the stereotype, prolonging and in many cases worsening, the problem.
I think that this can be particularly difficult when we have multiple children. It can start somewhat innocently at first, with one child being the “good eater” and the other one being the “picky eater.” This can be even more problematic in families when one child is the “great athlete” or the “really good student.” Well, then, what does that make the other one? The loafer? The slacker?
Don’t believe me? Think I’m full of it?
Well it’s called “The Pygmalion Effect” and it’s been tested. (Google search Rosenthal-Jacobsen study or Jane Elliott and check them out in Wikipedia).
Now, I mentioned in the intro to this blog that I am not an expert in the areas of psychology or family planning. This area, however, is something that I have experience. Part of my coursework for my masters degree was in the areas of “use of self” and we studied the Pygmalion Effect. I have used it specifically with clients and leaders in organizations as it pertains to managing the performance of their employees.
It definitely applies to our families and our children.
I am not trying to ride in on my moral high horse here. Nor am I claiming that my wife and I are perfect with regards to the discipline of our children. Lord knows we have made plenty of mistakes. Just like every other parent (and human being) we have our own bad days–and so do our kids!
We are very careful not to let these preexisting assumptions and observations of our children’s behavior become an external exclamation. While we may know, through observation, that one child eats better than the other. Similarly, we observe our son having temper tantrums in an effort to redirect attention towards him and away from his newly arriving sister. This being said, I have never understood the concept of the “Terrible Twos.”
I generally try not to refer to my own children as being terrible.
I also believe strongly in effective discipline, to correct behavior. I am a fan of proactively helping our children overcome the things that may not come naturally to them–although our children are still a bit young for this. Correcting behavior does not have to mean labeling my children forever. “Discipline the child without killing their spirit” as my mother used to say. My son is extremely independent and strong willed, the challenge lies in swiftly disciplining the current behavior without attempting to label or generalize his future behavior.
I think if parents referred to this age as the “Terrific Twos” most of the problem would be drastically improved.
Will two year olds ever stop having temper tantrums? Nope.
Can we minimize the effect of those tantrums and have an existence that is very positive with our children? Yes.
And it starts with us not referring to our own children as terrible.
After all, maybe it is not my child that is in the “Terrible Twos,” perhaps this exists because it is us, the parents, that are creating the issue. I think it is the fact that we are in the “Thoughtless Thirties” or the “Freaked Out Forties” that forged this dynamic in the first place.
See? It doesn’t feel very good does it?