“What kills most marriages is not frustration, or sadness, or even anger–it is apathy.”
-My Mother
The greatest gifts my parents ever gave to their three sons:
1. Unconditional, limitless love
2. Encouragement to chase our wildest dreams
3. Work ethic and the value of a dollar
4. Behavioral discipline (being a gentleman)
5. A true notion that they, as people, were not perfect
Many people would not consider number five a gift, but I think it is. As I have gotten older and entered into the marriage realm this is extremely important. We tend to surround the sacrament of marriage with warm and fuzzy feelings-naturally so, it’s an exhilarating experience. We also tend to picture it as “perfect” in our minds. We will find the “perfect” husband or wife. We will live in the “perfect” home. We will live a wonderful “perfect” life of happiness. Of course, we as people, and in turn as couples, are far from perfect.
We are incapable of ever being perfect as a nature of being human. Life, in general, has many phases when it is far from perfect.
I am, in no way, trying to be a wet blanket on the subject of marriage here. I am happily married, friends with many other happily married couples, and the son and son-in-law to two couples that have been happily married for 40+ years. Gazing toward the future with dreams of it being wonderful is a natural concept, particularly with regards to marriage. I just believe that it should be tempered and taken with a grain of salt.
My parents had spirited arguments over the years. Nothing terrible or harmful–but certainly arguments where they both felt that they were right and one was not going to concede to the other. They, like most parents, tried to have these behind closed doors, out of the eyes and ears of their sons. Inevitably, though, this did not always happen. I mean, really, houses are only so big. We witnessed several over the years.
We watched our parents disagree, sometimes strongly, work though it, and make up. We watched them show true emotion for themselves, their sons, their lives, and what was important. We watched them work through, inevitably, the imperfections and limitations that they had as people. Imperfections that we all, thanks to Adam and Eve, have hardwired into our fabric as people.
Conversely, we watched our parents, at many weddings and events, step out onto the dance floor, locked in each other’s arms, in complete unison, and dance like no one was watching. (They still do, to this day, actually). We watched them laugh, hysterically, at one another and their jokes. We watched them celebrate one another’s milestones and the important moments of their sons.
We also experienced true joy and love at the highest level–from both parents. My father would pick us up off of the floor, kiss us on the face and tell us how much he loved us. My mother packed love notes and treats into our school lunches.
What I am getting at here, with these examples, is that there is a wide range of emotions and experiences associated with marriage. We are committing ourselves, both in our vows and in our emotions, to another person with the depth unlike any other relationship. The imperfections, the peaks and the valleys of our lives, should be celebrated as something that we share only when that true, deeper commitment is there. We get more fired up, more upset, more animated, at times, because the argument is with our spouse. We give them the keys to our castle, to our soul. We share our imperfections with them on a level that no one else knows. Therefore when we feel those have been challenged, or in some cases threatened, by that person it is a much deeper hurt.
Let me get one thing straight here, though: in the moment, we never “celebrate” the hurt. I mean, really… If, in the middle of an entrenched disagreement I said to my wife:
“Honey I know that you’re really pissed off at me right now but let’s use that as an example to celebrate our intimacy and our bond.” We all know where that would lead. Not good…
The presence of these extreme emotions is proof that there is real love at stake. It is proof that we still, on a very deep level, care about one another deeply.
A relationship that exists, the majority of the time, in a conflict mode is undoubtedly unhealthy. Some conflict around big decisions or key moments is a sign that you still love one another, and your lives together, enough to have the disagreement. Conflict all the time leads anger.
When conflicts cease to matter, or when we disengage, emotionally, that is not a good sign. I agree with my mother on this one. Our disengagement from the relationship, or the discussion at hand, means we may have moved into a place where we are transitioning ourselves out of the commitment. It leads to apathy and apathy leads to the relationship ending.
That is why I believe that number five on my list is such a gift. Without knowing it, my parents showed us that we needed to celebrate and work through the imperfections associated with marriage. They showed us that two imperfect people cannot make a perfect couple, even though we try, and maybe even come close. We will inevitably mess up with some regularity. What balances out the bad times is our ability to be 100% present in the good times so we can enjoy them to their fullest. Having these peaks and valleys is, in my opinion, not weird. The ups and the downs are not bad for us as individuals or as a couple–they are proof that we have something in our relationship that matters, deeply.
Anything that matters deeply, and has love in the center, is worth fighting for.