One concept to which I was exposed during my wife’s pregnancy is the International Association of Currently or Formerly Pregnant Women (a covert group) or IACFPW for short. Another word for it would be an honorary society or sorority. No matter where we went–supermarkets, Target, the mall, restaurants, you name it–women would rally around my wife at the very sight of her being pregnant.
She would hear things like:
“You’re 9 months, go on girl, you look like 6!” Or…
“You’re just the most adorable pregnant woman ever!” Or…
“Is this your first? Boy or girl?”
Some would go as far as to offer their seats up for her. It’s actually quite endearing and encouraging about the human race. (NOTE: when other women gave up their seats, I was NOT already seated—this would be an assault on my stake as a man.)
One ancillary effect of membership into IACFPW is that, somewhat magically, women have an instantaneous personal connection that enables them to discuss extremely personal details about the nature of their pregnancy with other women. They go from perfect strangers, to two friends capable of discussing the most intimate personal facts about birth plans, physical changes, philosophical approaches, and/or labor and delivery options.
This happens with women that A) have literally just met each other and B) are often standing in a public place.
Social norms be damned, no topic is off limits for members of the IACFPW. Are you at Trader Joe’s just getting some groceries? Perhaps you are at the mall picking up some new maternity clothes or something for the baby’s room? That’s the perfect environment for an extremely intimate conversation about your birth plan.
It almost never failed to happen when we would be out shopping somewhere. We’d get questions like:
“Oh how has your pregnancy been?”
“Are you going for a natural delivery?”
“Have you had any bleeding?”
“How intense have your Braxton-Hicks contractions been?”
Which, no matter how hard my wife tried not to answer directly, invariably led to the other woman responding by then sharing her most personal details.
“Oh, I remember how I was with my first… It felt like I had a truck in there. Honey, remember how freaked out we were about all the bleeding that I had with Aidan?”
Or, sometimes they’d just provide my wife with direct, unsolicited advice, like:
“Yeah, go for the drugs… My water broke and I was only dilated, like 2 centimeters, after pushing for 3 hours I needed the help. And that suction thing really works when they finally get it in there.”
These conversations were most ironic and enjoyable when the other woman was also accompanied by her husband. There’s nothing like being in a mall, standing across from another dude that you’ve never met, trying as hard as you possibly can to think of SOMETHING to talk about, while you listen to your wives–who also don’t know each other–talk about their vaginas. Sweet…
Somehow, leading in with, “So, how about the economy, huh?” Just didn’t cut it…
Inevitably I would end up staring at my feet, frantically fumbling for my cell phone, or just walking away while pretending to see something important in a store near by. Hell, I’d pretend to flag down a ghost or to see Michelle Obama if it would get me out of there. Which of course always made my wife extremely happy. “Honey, why did you leave me all alone with that woman?” Oh, please… Like my presence would have, in any way, slowed down her progression through the story about her child’s birth. That train was already moving down the tracks too fast to stop.
Now, as I stated earlier in this chapter I am in favor of the IACFPW, and I think it is fantastic. I genuinely love my wife, and support pregnant women everywhere. I am in absolute awe of what women go through in order to bring children into this world.
This being said, I think we can all agree that discussing the act of bringing a child into the world, in detail, in a public place, should be done with discretion. Sharing extremely intimate details, even with other parents who have “been there” with the births of their own children, should not be done with strangers in a public place.
So, with this in mind, I have taken the liberty of drafting some general guidelines for what you should not be able to discuss about childbirth and pregnancy in a public setting. At my suggestion and request, here are the guidelines for what should NOT be discussed:
- Anything that involves the word “vagina” in any form.
- Any topic that involves the word “blood” including, but not limited to words like: bleeding, bloody, bloodless, bloodied, and blood loss.
- Use of the actual word “discharge” or providing the details surrounding the act of “discharging” something from the female anatomy.
- The positions involved during the actual birthing process, for example where your legs were, bed positioning, use of the shower, key pressure points, and/or physical support given by a husband or healthcare practitioner.
- Any complications you had, no matter how trivial, during the pregnancy (even if it ended well) because other pregnant women do not want to hear about things of this nature.
I think that my list of guidelines is fair. It does not hamper enthusiasm or limit the desire to hold conversations about such an important topic. I just think a little bit of sanity and sound judgment can be provided to an otherwise highly emotional situation. Together, we can continue to enjoy the IACFPW while celebrating its many amazing accomplishments in a socially acceptable manner that minimizes public awkwardness.