I developed this super mutant sleeping ability.
I am not sure exactly where it came from. Maybe it’s something that gets created in the endorphins released from the excitement of being a parent. Perhaps it’s the lack of energy and slower recovery associated with getting old. Or, maybe, it’s just pure exhaustion.
For whatever reason, it started with my first child, my son. The mutant sleeping ability not only increased in frequency but also in effectiveness and duration as my son progressed through his first two years of life. It then reached its now highest level of acuity with the wonderful birth of my daughter.
Like a super hero’s special powers, the mutant sleeping ability comes on when I least expect it.
Just when I feel like I have everything figured out, and I am having a productive day, the mutant sleeping ability kicks in.
It is the ability to fall into the deepest, darkest, mind-bendingly unconscious sleep in a matter of seconds. I am not talking about simply putting my head down on the pillow for a nice peaceful nap. This sleep involves drooling, twitching and weird dreams only to be startled awake suddenly by the deafening sound of my own snoring.
In these “naps” I am almost always dreaming about weird things like cafes in Italy (that I have never actually been to) while sipping espresso with J Edgar Hoover (whom I have never actually met) and then jumping off of a cliff to fly through the air under my own power. Until I, literally and metaphorically, come crashing back to Earth when I am startled awake by the sounds of my own previously mentioned snoring.
This sleep does NOT have to occur in a bed. In fact, most times it does not. The mutant sleep strikes when I have the most innocent of intentions.
“Oh, since I’m burping my daughter, and I’ve had such a crazy week, I’ll sit down in the recliner.” Boom. Done. Out. See you later.
“Oooh look, the Patriots game is on. I know I am supposed to be vacuuming, but I’m just gonna sit down for quick minute to catch my breath and see the score.” Good night sweet prince.
I hit unconsciousness so fast and so hard that it is scary.
Although the plus of having the mutant sleep occur while burping my infant daughter is that at least I can use her burp cloth to mop up my drool when I eventually startle myself awake.