I am a big fan of the nesting phase of marriage. I am, of course, not the first person to introduce the concept of nesting. I define it as taking time to actually just “be married” to one another and the norming phase of your lives as a married couple–BEFORE you have children. As some of my fiends are getting married later in life, their nesting phase tends to be very short because the “nest building” runs face first into the ticking biological clock. These couples tend to focus mainly on filling their nest with kids. That’s cool, I get it, and have a blast with that.
For us, though, this nesting phase was really important.
Essentially, what I’m suggesting here is to extend your honeymoon. I’m not talking about taking an extra day at the resort in Cabo, I mean give yourself some time to just enjoy being married before you impart on the wonderful journey of having kids. I think it’s because it conjures images of birds taking the time to meticulously build their nest stick by stick, one beak full of mud after another. You won’t need to build your own house, but what you will need to do is spend some time building the foundation for an amazing life together. One ingredient that often gets overlooked in this: FUN!! This is important stuff…
Everyone defines “fun” in their own way. It could be stamp collecting, going to museums, the theater, sports, music, traveling, scrap booking, you get the idea. So whatever fun is for you, finding a person with whom your compatible is essential.
Too often, especially for guys, marriage has these negative connotations that accompany it like: “the old ball and chain” or “settling down” or “giving up your freedom.” I am continuously blown away by these reactions to marriage. In the locker room in the gym, or out at a bar watching a game, when the topic returns to a member of the “group” getting married, the metaphors start to fly.
“Good luck man. I guess another one bites the dust.” Or my other personal favorite:
“Say goodbye to your social life as you know it.”
A few thoughts on this, dudes…
First of all, I don’t really know you that well. If I really wanted your advice or opinion on my upcoming nuptials, I’d ask for it. Just because your negative outlook resulted in a bad experience, please don’t put it on me. If your marriage is not fun you either (a) have the wrong outlook on life or (b) married the wrong person. I’m not saying, by any means, that every single day of being married is pure bliss. There are plenty of Wednesdays. There are also challenging days. This is not a statement on marriage so much as it is a statement on life in general. All the more reason to marry someone that you actually have fun with for crying out loud.
I know this sounds overly simplistic. Some of you are saying “Of course I’d find someone to marry that I have fun with.” But answer this question to yourself: do you know a couple that looks great “on paper” but is clearly is missing the spark of pure fun? I sure as hell do. And, more importantly, I’ve heard many people say that things like “she is someone that would be a perfect wife.” Or, “he would be such a good husband.” The questions I always ask are: “Yes, but is he or she perfect for you? Do you have a blast when you’re together and miss each other like crazy when you’re not?
In an honest moment I think some people would have to answer “no” to either or both of the above questions. I think this is what reinforces the stereotypes about the “ball and chain” that I started this chapter with. Men and women see marriage as a “settling” or a “calming down” rather than a union with your favorite person on planet Earth. I’m not sure why this occurs. If it’s a cultural thing, or perhaps human nature, or maybe even a little of both.
Don’t get me wrong, the pace of my life certainly changed though my engagement and my marriage. I wasn’t out with the boys until all hours of the night and living by the seat of my pants. But this change of schedule and pace of life felt like a new adventure, not like it was a loss of some former person. Honestly…
Let me state this bluntly: I certainly do not feel like I have the perfect marriage. Certainly we had our share of challenges, arguments, and long days. But I never felt like I was sacrificing or losing something to get married. I felt like I was gaining the lifelong companionship of the person that I most wanted to be with.
For us, nesting was about 4 years… We just spent some time being married. Depending on how old you are when you get married and your life situation, you will inevitably use a different time frame that’s right for you. This provides the opportunity stay up late, sample wines from across the globe, party with friends, sleep in on Sunday, and travel. Some ideas:
- Try to take a vacation, of some sort, every year. If you’re anything like us, your first few years of marriage are usually ones that come with the least amount of money. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but get out of town and travel to some cool places.
- Use other people’s weddings as mini vacations. Again, if you’re anything like us, you seemingly have a half-dozen weddings a year for what seems like 10 years. It’s great to celebrate other people’s weddings–it’s also costly. So, while you’re out there, take an extra day or two. I know it sounds counter-intuitive…. But think about it, if you’ve already spent the cash on the flight and the hotel to get out there, another day or two is a lot easier than planning an entire separate get away.
- Build in smaller celebrations. We used to go out to dinner sometimes on a weeknight then spend the weekend just sleeping and doing nothing. For some reason, going out on a Wednesday not only broke up the week and felt great after a hard day, but also felt more luxurious. Plus, lots of restaurants offer weeknight specials like half-priced wine night, etc, to get business on otherwise slow nights. AND, you usually don’t need to fight the crowd or have a reservation.
I still vividly remember the vacation we took in California shortly after we got married. We were, of course, out in L.A. for a wedding so we used the chance to check on trip off of the “bucket list.” We rented a convertible and drove “The 1” up the Pacific Coast highway, up Big Sur, stopping at little wine towns along the way. It was awesome…
Nesting is a way to celebrate the fun and sense of adventure that comes with getting married. Taking the time to make this enjoyable and memorable helps set you up for the long haul.