If you were to look around you, could you tell if someone was suffering from a mental illness? Obviously, we do not have the kind of power within us. The sad reality is that many people struggle with mental illness, but they go through it silently. Many people go through what would often be considered “depression”. However, the clinical concept of depression is more than just a low mood, the blues, sadness, etc. We live in a world that is more connected and educated about all kinds of medical conditions. In fact, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 American adults suffer with some form of mental illness. While “anxiety” is seen as the most common, depression the 2nd most common. What is missed in this assessment is that anxiety is often a symptom of depression too, but it is often separated into its own category.
My Truth
I have struggled with clinical depression. I cannot pinpoint a specific time or event that would have caused it, but I have dealt with it for quite some time. During this time, there have been good days and bad days. Mixed into that have been some of the darkest days too. For the purposes of this blog, I will not get into the clinical minutia of what qualifies as having a major depressive disorder. I also want to add a disclaimer that this story is specific to me. I am not making any specific recommendations for care. I simply want my story to be one that someone else can relate to and know that they are not alone in this fight. While it is true that some people may have similar experiences, but many may not. What I want this to be is a reference for someone who is going through the struggles of depression. I want it to be a glimmer of hope for someone who feels there is no more. Regardless, I have learned the importance of being open and honest about it, as it will not get better on its own. The days of wanting to bury my head in the sand are over. I have no shame in where I have been. I have come to accept that if I did not go through this, I would not have been able to realize my purpose.
The Self-Created Prison
Describing depression can be challenging, as for many people it is vastly different. Imagine feeling alone, isolated, crying or like you are in a prison cell (or Tom Hanks in ‘Cast Away’). My thoughts were my own worst enemy. “You’re no good.” “Why bother?”. “You’re a failure.” “Why am I alive.” “Everyone would be better off without me”. Yes, there were times when suicide seemed like an answer. These are just a few of the thoughts that would go through my mind every day, all day. I likened it to the lyrics of the song Windmills of Your Mind, “never-ending or beginning like an ever-spinning reel”. In the absence of being in a depressive episode, I know these are just false statements. But in that moment, they are as real as you are sure the sun will rise in the east. For most people who struggle with depression, there is no “getting over it.” This was not something that I/we asked for. Despite all these overwhelming feelings and emotions, life continued to go on around me. Everyday seemed like a struggle to get up, go to work and be who I needed to be in my own home. Being alive seemed like a job all its own. I felt like there was no emotional connection with anyone. I felt like I had no support at all. What truly was the hardest part to comprehend was a feeling of having no purpose. Despite what I felt, and quite frankly what I had convinced myself was the truth, there were people around me who wanted to help. There were signs everywhere that totally countered what I was thinking. So why was I going through all this pain? Though I cannot say with 100% certainty, but without the pain, I could not know what happiness is. Let me be clear. This is a constant fight, even today. I just have a better understanding of how to fight back and not let it pull me down in the depths of darkness.
A Sign of Hope
Depression is not simply an environmental thing or a negative response to a situation. My brain, like many others who struggle with depression is often depleted of a chemical called serotonin. Why? I have no idea. For some people it is genetic. For others, it is related to other things that they have been through in their lives. Whatever the root cause, there is hope. There is help. Medication and therapy are by far the most sought treatment modalities. There are certainly other options if those do not seem like your cup of tea. If there is ever a question, please, do not ever fear asking the questions that need to be answered. Depression is a real illness, no different than heart disease or diabetes. Without a doubt, it is 100% treatable. You are no lesser of a person because of it. It is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. If it is left untreated, depression is dangerous, just like any other uncontrolled or untreated illness. Please understand that depression is more than just a bad mood. Know some of the warning signs that are not as well known. If you are in doubt, ask questions. If you think someone is struggling, ask them too. If you ever suspect someone is suicidal, do not wait, ask them. You cannot and will not make them suicidal. Sometimes, they are just waiting for someone to ask because they don’t know what else to say.
There are many different resources out there for support and help. If you ever feel like there is an emergency, simply call 911. If you need to talk to someone, there is the National Suicide Hotline (800-273-8255). The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has invaluable library of resources that help provide information to better understand mental illness (www.nami.org). As a word of caution, I recommend that most people stay away from generalized Google searches as their primary source of information. There is an abundance of information and much of it is not vetted for accuracy or validity.